Thursday, April 14, 2011

denial isn't just a river in africa...or japan

I know it's been a while since the quake and tsunami and the nuclear threat in Japan. But, I think I am just now realizing how much it has impacted me. When it first happened I knew it was triggering something in me because I couldn't watch or listen to any news on it. My partner would be watching the news about it and I would always ask if he could change it. Then people are posting video footage and also ways others can help, and still I can't even think about it. In a way feeling like a selfish, terrible person, because I'm not on the front lines of people trying to help. Which is where I would like to be. But, I can't even stomach it.
It's horrible. I can't even begin to express just how sad it makes me feel for those people, families, children, mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters, grandmothers, grandfathers. First a devastating earthquake. It levels many buildings and cities and people are buried alive in it. Then the tsunami. It comes and washes away all you know in a split second and there is not much you can do to protect yourself or others. Then the nuclear meltdown. Radiation is seeping everywhere. In the air, water, and land. It is just too much!
One of my clients is a counselor that works with the university and rape victims. One day we were talking about things and a trial came up, and then we were talking about jurors. She told me that they don't usually like to pick women the same ages as the rape victims. I thought that was strange. It's like their "people", ya know. Why wouldn't they? Well, I guess they tend to think that somehow or another the victim must have "asked" for it. Huh? It seems as a self-defence mechanism it's easier to blame the victim for the crime than the criminal, because, that is all you can really control, at least on some level anyway. Meaning that it could happen to you too, if the victim really didn't "do" anything to "deserve" it. Crazy huh??? But, on a deep level I think we all really think on this level. It's in the gut ya know. Survival.
This is what I think the tragedy in Japan has brought up in me. This can happen anywhere, anytime, and cannot be prevented. With my protective instincts at full throttle, it has shaken me to the core. How can this world be so unsafe? It seems like all I do is try to make sure things are "safe" for my baby. Baby gates, outlet plugs, wires, car seats, plants, bugs, dirt, pillow barricades, recycling, cloth diapers, organic baby food, growing my own food, biodegradable laundry detergent, global warming, what I drive, how much I drive, whom I vote for, trying to prevent terrorism from my living room, what I buy and who profits and suffers from that, and the list could go on and on. But the real dangers and things that are probably never gonna happen, but never the less things that I cannot control. Earthquakes, tsunamis, meteors, ect.....
But, it's happened to them. It's happened to them. It's happened to people that I don't know, but see their faces and hear of their courage and generosity and grace. The beauty of their actions is showing in the character that I know is in all mankind. Love. It's heartbreakingly expansive if you can let it in. I'm trying. I'm trying for my little boy.

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